The Constitution of Guyhood
by Auriansmule
Summary: Sort of a sequel to Woman Speak. Here the males of the Harry Potter universe create a guideline that should be followed by men the world over!


**Constitution**

**We, the males of the universe, in order to form a more perfect understanding of the borders of a man's responsibility and the laws he must follow, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the Men of the Universe.**

**This is the code by which each and every man must and will follow, regardless of faith, orientation, Death Eater-ness or douchebaggery. The code is for a man's eyes only; any woman found guilty of reading the guy code will no longer be communicated with by any member of the male gender, unless rated an 8 or higher on the official scale of hotness, and offering a sexual favor for every rule she has read. Any man found breaking the guy code will no longer be considered a man for the next 24 hours. This includes no sex, no beer, no sports, no bars, no trucks, no video games, and unfortunately, no porn.**

**1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you marry her.**

**2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.**

**3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.**

**4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".**

**5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)**

**6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.**

**7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the official 1-10 scale.**

**8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.**

**9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, broom, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.**

**10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.**

**11. Do not torpedo single friends.**

**12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.**

**13. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, you're gonna love the way she licks your balls."**

**14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.**

**15. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!**

**16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best friend's birthday is optional)**

**17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.**

**18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.**

**19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.**

**20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.**

**21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.**

**22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.**

**23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.**

**24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.**

**25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.**

**26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies, as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.**

**27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.**

**28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.**

**29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.**

**30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:**

**"Yeah, baby, push it!"**

**"Come on; give me one more, harder!"**

**"Another set and we can hit the showers"**

**"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"**

**31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.**

**32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.**

**33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.**

**34. You cannot rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks it's broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.**

**35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.**

**36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.**

**37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.**

**38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.**

**39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.**

**40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year**

**41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)**

**42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.**

**43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks an 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (Exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).**

**44. A man's gotta scratch what a man's gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.**

**45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:**

**Figure skating**

**Men's gymnastics**

**Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)**

**46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.**

**47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.**

**48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.**

**49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if it's with a girlfriend.**

**50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:**

**When a heroic dog dies to save his master.**

**After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.**

**When your date is using her teeth.**

**51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.**

**52. Masturbate often. (Exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)**

**53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arm's reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.**

**54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.**

**55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need to bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.**

**56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)**

**57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.**

**58. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in an organized sporting event)**

**59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit, DON'T wear tighty-whities. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.**

**60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.**

**61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.**

**62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.**

**63. In an empty room, car, Ect. a man cannot ask another man if he is mad because he isn't talking.**

**64. If you jiggle more than twice, you're playing with it.**

**65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.**

**66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.**

**67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...**

**66. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)**

_**Signed**_

_Sirius Orion Black_

_James Charles Potter_

_Remus John Lupin_

_Peter Pettigrew_

_Severus Snape_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Filius Flitwick_

_Tom Marvolo Riddle aka Lord Voldemort aka YOUR DEATH_

_Asdkfafaosifys (Frank Longbottom)_

_Harry James Potter (Can we annul the first one?)_

_Ronald Weasley (No, we can't, you git.)_

_Fred Weasley_

_George Weasley_

_Arthur Weasley_

_Charlie Weasley_

_William Weasley_

_Victor Krum_

_Neville Longbottom (Why the hell did you make my dad sign, you wankers?)_

_Draco Malfoy (Oh, stop crying about mummy and daddy, blood traitor.)_

_Terry Boot (STFU, Malfoy!)_

_Draco Malfoy (YOU STFU, you minor character!)_

_Alistor Moody (You can't sign twice, boy. Now stop breaking the fourth wall and GTFO)_

_Edward Cullen (Hey, guys!)_

_Elphias Doge (Who the hell was that?)_

_Aberforth Dumbledore (Bugger if I know.)_

_Chuck Norris_

_Oliver Wood (Isn't Chuck Norris a muggle?)_

_Cedric Diggory (Don't question him, you bloody idiot!)_

_Bartemius Crouch Jr. (Is the rest of story just signatures?)_

_Bartemius Crouch Sr. (Yes, it is. Now stop breaking the forth wall, you scumbag!)_

_Dudley Dursley (Seriously, you can stop reading now.)_

_Vernon Dursley (Shut up! You'll make my fans go away!)_

_Rubeus Hagrid (You don't have any fans, you great prune!)_

_Draco Malfoy (Hey, only I can break the fourth wall!)_

_Kingsley Shacklebolt (Stop signing your name, Malfoy! And stop breaking the fourth wall, all of you!)_

_Dedalus Diggle (I think the author is running out of names now._

_Yugi Mutou (You're telling me...)_

_Sturgis Podmore (I was going to say to stop breaking the 4__th__ wall, but I think it's demolished beyond repair.)_

_Lucius Malfoy (Can shemales sign this?)_

_Horace Slughorn (I don't even want to know…)_

_Gregory Goyle (Hey, why does everyone forget I exist?)_

_Mundungus Fletcher (Who are you?)_

_Vincent Crabbe (Probably because we have about five lines in the entire series.)_

_Igor Karkaroff (Okay, the author is getting tired searching for names.)_

_Rodolphus Lestrange (So we're gonna stop commenting now.)_

_Walden Macnair _

_Yaxley_

_Travers_

_Regulus Black (How did the author forget me? I was a key figure in the six and seventh book!)_

_Theodore Nott (Because the author is a lazy bastard. Now stop talking so we can get this stupid fiction over with!)_

_Avery (Yeah, we've already got a good 2 pages worth of signatures!)_

_Mulciber _(We are SO getting flamed for this...)__

_Alecto Carrow_

_Amycus Carrow _

_Random Death Eater #234_

_Auriansmule_


End file.
